Andy Rooney: Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Andy Rooney: A cell phone.

“A cell phone,” who?

Andy Rooney: I, personally, have never owned a cell phone, even though I get mail every single day from companies interested in my business. Here’s a letter from Sprint. And here’s one from Verizon. And here’s one from U.S. Cellular. And here’s one from Cingular. And here’s one from Virgin Mobile. I don’t know why virgins need have their own phone company. Virgins should be thinking about other things, entirely. These envelopes are sometimes big, sometimes small, I put them next to my Post-Its, but I don’t mix them in with my Post-Its. I remember when personal calls were something you did inside the privacy of your own house, not something you paraded around, out on the streets in front of a captive audience. Why would you want to talk in front of people? And why would they want to listen to your conversation?

I get calls from a lot of people. I use this phone, here on my desk. I haven’t needed to upgrade phones in 20 years. This one works just fine. And do you really need a clock on a personal telephone? I don’t want to know what time it is that much. I’d rather have my clock over here and my phone over there. Here’s my clock. I often wonder, why don’t you combine toasters and phones? Or coffee makers and phones? Imagine your wife coming in one day and saying, “Honey, I just bought this coffee-maker-phone.” What would you say to her? You’d say, “That’s great, dear.” But you’d be thinking, “Just what I need. Another coffee maker. Don’t I already have one coffee-maker? How much coffee can one man drink?” I’ve had one cup, today, and that’ll probably be it. When I was younger, I would have two cups of coffee per day. My friend Mike Wallace would sometimes have three cups of coffee in a day, but he always had a stronger constitution than me. If Mike Wallace met a bear on the street, he could wrestle it to the ground.

My secretary, Susie, tells me that you can take photographs with your phone now, too. Considering the fact that more than 200 million Americans already own a camera, do we really need more devices that capture images? It would be interesting to know what pictures are being taken, and why. Susie also tells me that half of the world’s population owns a portable cell phone. This makes me wonder: is the other half of the world’s population missing all of their calls? Probably not. In fact, I haven’t missed a call in years. Of course, I never leave this desk. I’d like to start a campaign encouraging people not to leave their desks. Magazines are filled with ads trying to get you to buy their products, including cell phones that are getting smaller and smaller. When I was a young man, we used to pay for things that were bigger. You could get a burger for 19 cents. You could get a Buick for $275. Now, everything has to be so small. What’s next? Smaller cups of coffee? Smaller toasters? Give me regular sized toast, any day. Imagine going to a restaurant that served only small pieces of toast. What would you say to the waitress? You’d say, “Excuse me, but where’s the rest of my toast?” I often wonder what the waitress would say in response. Would she bring you more toast?

The last time I told a knock-knock joke about cell phones, some of my viewers sent me mail. One viewer, Robert Gordon, wrote that he has never owned a cell phone, either. Another viewer, Emma Goldman, wrote that I should give cell phones a try. She thinks I might “like them.” Another viewer, Tom Urwin, wrote something else, entirely, in response to a different subject. The last time I was in line at the movie theater, there was a man in front of me having a conversation on his cell phone. I remember he was talking about a concert he had attended the night before. I didn’t want to hear about this concert. If I had wanted to hear about this concert, I would’ve attended the concert. Why does everybody think you want to hear about the concerts that they went to? When I was a young man, we used to call concerts “Huckleberries.”

Every cell phone has to have a different ring. Some of the rings sound like a regular phone. Some of them sound like popular music or game show themes. If I wanted to listen to the “Jeopardy!” song, I’d tune in to “Jeopardy!” although I don’t like how the answers come before the questions. Give me questions before answers, any day. Otherwise, it just gets confusing …

Good one, Andy!

(To watch the real Andy Rooney — especially if you’ve never seen him — click here and here and here.)