A few children’s stories I’m working on:
1. Curious Rosie and the Three Racist Dogs
2. Ricardo Gets A Rash
3. It’s Your Turn, Fireface!
4. John Muir Learns a Lesson in Sharing
5. The Magical Bean that was only magical in the sense that it had a tiny mouth and could talk, but most of the time the mouth was just shrieking at the top of it’s goddamned lungs, for no reason.
6. Stalin & Pals
7. Cheer up, Fireface!
8. Gottfried the Friendly Leper
9. The Loneliest Butcher in the World
10. Your Mother is a Career Criminal
11. Fireface, You Goin’ Places!
Setup: A Magical Bean walks into a bar.
Punchline: Everyone leaves because the bean’s nonstop shrieking ruins the atmosphere!
A clever name for a butcher shop:
The Merchant of Venison
A less-clever name for a butcher shop:
The Merchant of Meat and Poultry
Another clever name:
Meat me in St. Louis!
Another less-than-clever name:
This Guy in St. Louis Will Trade You Animal Flesh For Your Dollars!
Setup: What did the Magical Bean say to his doctor?
Punchline: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA.” Then the doctor told the bean that he had found an irregular lump and that it didn’t look good. The bean stopped all the goddamned screaming for a little bit, but after a minute or two of reflection, he started back up again. The doctor sighed and quietly walked out of the room.
An alternate slogan to “You’re in good hands with Allstate.”
“That hand gently stroking the small of your back, that’s Allstate’s hand. Pretty soft, right? Yeah. Allstate moisturizes.”
A real question I’d really like answered:
Is Billy Joel shitty or awesome? Like, is he just totally the worst, or maybe the best? Could somebody seriously help me out with this one?
An alternate slogan to Campbell’s “Mmm mmm good!”
“Mmm mmm moisturize.”
9 out of 10 doctors agree:
Nobody should tell the 10th doctor about the all-doctor pizza party they’re having later. That 10th doctor is a little bitch, they say. This is why we should try to discourage cliques amongst doctors. Somebody always gets left out.
Setup: How many Magical Beans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Punchline: Currently, we only know of one Magical Bean. It’s possible that there are others out there, but for now, this is the only one we have on record.
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Where there’s fire, there’s Fireface.
12 Comments
may i be frank?
i think this minute with avery was overall more satisfying than the supposedly good minute with jory…no offence jory…im just stating the facts…that being said i really feel depressed about wasting one minute of my life reading what jory had to say instead of reading avery’s twice …
I liked Jory’s.
I liked Jory’s too. I always like what Jory writes.
As far as I’m concerned, Avery can go to hell. Jory is bigstonehead.net.
Agreed.
way to gang up …geez…i didnt say jory sucked all the time just that avery out did him today …jory’s was OK but avery’s was better…lets not get so defensive
To be fair, Ali, it was me posting as Sophia, Julian and Chris, so there never was any ganging up. But I stand by everything I said on their behalf. I meant every word.
I’m pretty sure that there’s only one person posting on this board at all, under all thse names. And that person is Jory.
I can assure you that I exist — Jory can’t draw to save his life.
you know i was really only trying to shift peoples attention from my obsession with jory’s underpants by confusing them with praise for you avery…but now i see i cannot hide especially since jory love is so widespread…therefore i retract all previous statements and i say “all for one and one for all” …i realize the irrelevance of that statement at this juncture but it seemed like one of those things that are just never inappropriate
Well, if you want to know the truth, Billy Joel is awesome.
Correct, Hannah Love. Correct.